Back to it?

So, last time I thought it had been a long time... truth is NOW it has been a long time!



I started an MBA Program in the summer of 2007, completed it in August 2008. I traveled to China, and Italy while in the program and spent some time in the Czech Republic, Austria, Switzerland, and Ireland. All places I had never been. My husband joined me for a week in Italy, and I had an unbelievable time. I must say going back to school after 10 years was one of the best decisions of my life.



Now I am working as a temporary employee at the University where I earned my MBA, and am looking for permanent employment. I anticipate an offer this week, which I'm really excited about, and still think leaving my career of 7 years was completely worth the risks I took.



While in school, I encountered many of those moments that are life lessons. My grandmother on my father's side passed away from cancer. His sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, her son was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, and her ex-husband died of pancreatic cancer. My parents began proceedings for a divorce in September of 2007, and they have not yet completed the process. I think the last trial I had was that my husband and I had the opportunity to decide if being married to each other was really what we wanted.



All of these things have been, and on some levels continue to be a real pain in my ass. My marriage is really the only one I feel I should care about. My parents are grown adults; if they can't figure out how to end their relationship in a mature manner, it really should be my problem. However, both of them seem to think I can solve it, or fix it, or mediate it or whatever... truth of that is, I can't, I won't, I don't want to, and I really don't give a shit. I hate to feel that life would be better without my parents, but the last year or so, I can say the thought has occurred to me, and I have a reasonable amount of guilt associated with those feelings.



I had an amazing counselor while I was in school, (YES, I needed counseling at the time... school was insane in an accelerated MBA program, my marriage was unstable making my best friend and confidante almost inaccessible, my other best friend had her own life to get in order, and my parents were focused on themselves, and my brother lives on the other side of the continent now... so I went to counseling and wish I had gone earlier in life.) who told me I should just cut all ties with my mother and possibly my father. I have not been able to do that... I can't seem to get my mind around how that works... these days I think I would like to, but I suppose there is a part of me that yearns for a 'normal' mother-daughter relationship... one that will never exist... at one point I had accepted that fact and wasn't really concerned with the fact that it would never happen... I know I won't ever have more of a relationship with my father than what I have now, but that doesn't seem to concern me as much as my relationship with my mother does.



I am approaching 34 and still feel like the 13 year old girl seeking Mom's approval. I have no intentions of having children of my own right now, even though I now know I want one or two. I know what kind of relationship I hope to foster with my own children, but I think there is a part of me that feels I should be able to have a relationship with my own mother before I become one myself... This thought is ridiculous I know... I will get over it... thankfully I have other reasons for not having children yet the largest of which is the financial situation we're currently in because I don't have permanent employment.



Yes, I say we. My husband and I were able to decide to remain married to each other. Two posts ago I had some thoughts on couples... well, the 'on the rocks' couple is long since divorced, and the new girl that was of interest to the husband in that relationship is now his wife.... My own marriage suffered the influence of people in our social circle... I deeply feel I would never do this, but who knows what will happen in my future... so, WHAT kind of woman flirts with another woman's husband? WHY do men find anyone willing to flirt with them attractive? I am no bombshell... I am not a super model... I may have been able to model several pounds and years ago, but that door is long since closed... I am an attractive woman, I have diverse interests including sports and star trek, I love to have a good time, I will drink until I'm drunk if the situation calls for it, and I will be the DD. I will go out and pick my husband up if he has been drinking without me and it's 2 a.m. and he needs a ride. I wash clothes, cook dinner, do chores, help with the yard work... the only thing I never do is take out the trash... I consider myself a good catch, and a relatively good looking woman... My husband decided he was interested in a different woman who was showing him more attention than I was while I was in school... keep in mind he and I discussed how life will change when I went back to school at length, and he knew I would be up late studying, I would need to develop a social circle in the class because that is the nature of an MBA program, I would not be able to be quite as joined at the hip as I usually am... well, one of the women in our social circle decided I must be a bad wife or something... she would send him instant messages about how all she wanted to do was cook him dinner and cuddle with him on the couch (yes, once I suspected something, I set his instant messenger to record his conversations without his knowledge and read what they had to say to each other.). When I was out of town on a conference, they texted each others cell phones at 2 a.m. and then proceeded to have an 1/2 hour phone conversation... He tells me he felt alone and she was there offering comfort... I understand needing attention from someone... why couldn't he tell me he needed attention? He didn't want to interrupt my studying... Do men think it's better to interrupt a marriage than some one's studying?

I won't continue with this thought process because it's pretty much water under the bridge now... it has caused trust issues in my marriage... but we do love each other and both of us want to be married to the other... Sometimes I wonder if that's how it will always be... I think marriage is one of those things that you can never guess the outcome...

So... lots of things since last time... two years or more worth of things... I may try to keep up on this more now... it may be a good outlet for me...

I don't think anyone reads this, but if you do, I hope life has been treating you well...