Monday, May 18, 2009

Back to it?

So, last time I thought it had been a long time... truth is NOW it has been a long time!

I started an MBA Program in the summer of 2007, completed it in August 2008. I traveled to China, and Italy while in the program and spent some time in the Czech Republic, Austria, Switzerland, and Ireland. All places I had never been. My husband joined me for a week in Italy, and I had an unbelievable time. I must say going back to school after 10 years was one of the best decisions of my life.

Now I am working as a temporary employee at the University where I earned my MBA, and am looking for permanent employment. I anticipate an offer this week, which I'm really excited about, and still think leaving my career of 7 years was completely worth the risks I took.

While in school, I encountered many of those moments that are life lessons. My grandmother on my father's side passed away from cancer. His sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, her son was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, and her ex-husband died of pancreatic cancer. My parents began proceedings for a divorce in September of 2007, and they have not yet completed the process. I think the last trial I had was that my husband and I had the opportunity to decide if being married to each other was really what we wanted.

All of these things have been, and on some levels continue to be a real pain in my ass. My marriage is really the only one I feel I should care about. My parents are grown adults; if they can't figure out how to end their relationship in a mature manner, it really should be my problem. However, both of them seem to think I can solve it, or fix it, or mediate it or whatever... truth of that is, I can't, I won't, I don't want to, and I really don't give a shit. I hate to feel that life would be better without my parents, but the last year or so, I can say the thought has occurred to me, and I have a reasonable amount of guilt associated with those feelings.

I had an amazing counselor while I was in school, (YES, I needed counseling at the time... school was insane in an accelerated MBA program, my marriage was unstable making my best friend and confidante almost inaccessible, my other best friend had her own life to get in order, and my parents were focused on themselves, and my brother lives on the other side of the continent now... so I went to counseling and wish I had gone earlier in life.) who told me I should just cut all ties with my mother and possibly my father. I have not been able to do that... I can't seem to get my mind around how that works... these days I think I would like to, but I suppose there is a part of me that yearns for a 'normal' mother-daughter relationship... one that will never exist... at one point I had accepted that fact and wasn't really concerned with the fact that it would never happen... I know I won't ever have more of a relationship with my father than what I have now, but that doesn't seem to concern me as much as my relationship with my mother does.

I am approaching 34 and still feel like the 13 year old girl seeking Mom's approval. I have no intentions of having children of my own right now, even though I now know I want one or two. I know what kind of relationship I hope to foster with my own children, but I think there is a part of me that feels I should be able to have a relationship with my own mother before I become one myself... This thought is ridiculous I know... I will get over it... thankfully I have other reasons for not having children yet the largest of which is the financial situation we're currently in because I don't have permanent employment.

Yes, I say we. My husband and I were able to decide to remain married to each other. Two posts ago I had some thoughts on couples... well, the 'on the rocks' couple is long since divorced, and the new girl that was of interest to the husband in that relationship is now his wife.... My own marriage suffered the influence of people in our social circle... I deeply feel I would never do this, but who knows what will happen in my future... so, WHAT kind of woman flirts with another woman's husband? WHY do men find anyone willing to flirt with them attractive? I am no bombshell... I am not a super model... I may have been able to model several pounds and years ago, but that door is long since closed... I am an attractive woman, I have diverse interests including sports and star trek, I love to have a good time, I will drink until I'm drunk if the situation calls for it, and I will be the DD. I will go out and pick my husband up if he has been drinking without me and it's 2 a.m. and he needs a ride. I wash clothes, cook dinner, do chores, help with the yard work... the only thing I never do is take out the trash... I consider myself a good catch, and a relatively good looking woman... My husband decided he was interested in a different woman who was showing him more attention than I was while I was in school... keep in mind he and I discussed how life will change when I went back to school at length, and he knew I would be up late studying, I would need to develop a social circle in the class because that is the nature of an MBA program, I would not be able to be quite as joined at the hip as I usually am... well, one of the women in our social circle decided I must be a bad wife or something... she would send him instant messages about how all she wanted to do was cook him dinner and cuddle with him on the couch (yes, once I suspected something, I set his instant messenger to record his conversations without his knowledge and read what they had to say to each other.). When I was out of town on a conference, they texted each others cell phones at 2 a.m. and then proceeded to have an 1/2 hour phone conversation... He tells me he felt alone and she was there offering comfort... I understand needing attention from someone... why couldn't he tell me he needed attention? He didn't want to interrupt my studying... Do men think it's better to interrupt a marriage than some one's studying?

I won't continue with this thought process because it's pretty much water under the bridge now... it has caused trust issues in my marriage... but we do love each other and both of us want to be married to the other... Sometimes I wonder if that's how it will always be... I think marriage is one of those things that you can never guess the outcome...

So... lots of things since last time... two years or more worth of things... I may try to keep up on this more now... it may be a good outlet for me...

I don't think anyone reads this, but if you do, I hope life has been treating you well...


Thursday, February 02, 2006

Time Flies

CRAP! It truly has been a long time!

November - Thanksgiving - uneventful. pre-Thanksgiving - living hell! A 30 year old should never be in the position of telling their parents to either grow up and communicate like adults in a healthy manner, or get a divorce, but just leave me out of it!

December - pre-Christmas - my husband was super busy with work, and it created some tiffs over shopping, because I refuse to buy his families gifts on my own, and he wouldn't want me to anyway, so we had to squeeze shopping in at the LAST minute. Christmas - nice! We saw everyone, my brother stayed in CA so we didn't see him, but my parents visited and I cooked dinner, we visited my husband's Dad & his girlfriend, her daughter & son-in-law, had a nice time, then stayed the night with my mother-in-law. I believe I OD'd on nicotine! Have you ever been in a house that feels like the windows haven't been opened for years, and there is constantly a cigarette burning? That's what it was like. I believe the reason I was sick the day after was the absorption of nicotine through my skin!

January - Husband's 31st birthday! FUN! now I can have an 'older man' for the next 9 months!

Our social activities have increased, as have our professional responsibilities.

I currently have no ponderance of topics to discuss, but perhaps I'll think of some over the next couple of days.

More later.

Friday, August 26, 2005


I have had reason lately to think about relationships.

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. We married last year on our 9th anniversary, and this October will mark our 1st married anniversary, and our 10th year together.

On our first date, we went to a cheap restaurant that college kids frequent around here, then we went to the WORST 1st date movie on the planet! We both agreed on the movie, neither of us picked it, and now if we were to go see it together, we'd probably have a different post-movie reaction. But at the time, we sat in the car, looked at each other and busted out laughing. One of us said something about 'who picked that?' and 'If I'd have know!' etc. . .

I can't say what makes a relationship survive the first few months, or even the first few years, but lately, I've had reason to observe things that seem to degrade a relationship over time. We hang out with one main group of people that we've know for a while. There are new comers to the group that certain group members might have known for years, and there are people that come and go from the group. We are technically the 'come and go' type, because we're not at every 'group' event.

Lately, there has been one divorce in the group, and one unofficial 'rocky' relationship. The divorce was rather shocking, because they were High School Sweethearts, and they were, on the surface, the most solid relationship of the group. While the wife wasn't around as often as the husband because of the stereotypical 'I've got to take care of the kids' role, when she was around their relationship just felt solid to the rest of us.

Well, the husband's social life continued, and the wife's didn't, and it was my husbands and my observation that the man in that relationship seemed to have a mutual affinity for one of the divorced ladies of the 'come and go' variety in the group. This observation proved factual during the divorce proceedings, and now they're openly a couple.

Well, this 'come and go' girl is now a regular, and she brought along a friend. This friend is now the object of interest to the man of the unofficially 'rocky' relationship whose wife is a 'come and go' type herself, but not the 'I've got to take care of the kids' kind, because they don't have kids. The husband's interest in the friend, appears to be mutual. All of this is particularly disturbing to me, because my best friend is one of the 'I've got to take care of the kids.' type, while her husband is a regular at their 'group of friends' social functions.

I just see a pattern here that I don't want to continue observing for the rest of my life, and one that I don't want to have happen in my life and I really don't want to see happen to my best friend.

My husband and I are practically joined at the hip. Not because of obligation, or because we have rules about our social lives, but because we both like it that way. When he goes off alone to do stuff with the guys, he has fun, and I like that, but I miss him, and he misses me. The same is true when I go off and do things with the girls. My friends say we're weird, his friends don't say anything to either of us, but they probably say he's 'whipped'. My friends are really 'our' friends, and his friends are really 'our' friends, we have no firm lines, and our groups of friends fuzz together, we're like the little social bees that buzz between groups of friends.

I can't say I think our relationship is what everyone should strive for, and we don't have any kids yet, but I like to think when we do have kids, we will still have a strong relationship, and a trusted babysitter, so we can continue to socialize together. I can say I am happy with our relationship, and I wish everyone could be as happy. I wish everyone could recognize what makes them happy, what they want in a partner, and know how to get all of it. I think everyone deserves to be happy, I just wish I knew how to make it work for everyone.

All this being said and observed, my main observation is that separation definitely does NOT make the heart grow fonder.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Life Goes On

It has been a while since my last post.

A lot has happened.

People say that all the time. . . "A lot has happened since I saw you last... " .... "A lot has happened since High School." . . . "A lot has happened since yesterday . . . "

My 51 year old uncle had a heart attack. (Dad's brother) And survived.
I had a cancer scare that isn't quite over.
My brother raced in and completed his first triathlon!
My engagement ring suffered a devastating blow, and had it been poorly made, I wouldn't have a diamond anymore.
I've decided to take up golf.
Life just continues at 1000 miles a minute.

Sometimes you just can't keep up. Sometimes you don't know if you want to, and sometimes just don't want to.

My engagement ring has been fixed. My brother is now moving to California, which is across the country. My uncle is doing well.

How do you sort out life? Is it more energy than it's worth to try to make sure everything is happening the way you think it should.

Is it possible to just live?

Thursday, June 16, 2005


Do you ever have one trivial thing happen in your life that leads you to evaluate everything else you do?

A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law sent me one of those chain emails where you're supposed to answer all the questions after you delete the senders answers.... things like favorite color, and favorite movie... There were two questions on this particular survey that made me think...

1. What inspires you?

2. What are you afraid of?

My answers?
1 - "People who find the time to do all the things I've always wanted to do, while they hold down a regular job, raise their kids and volunteer at some worthy cause.... "

2 - "No longer being useful"

Now, I look around me and I realize it will be quite a while before I'm no-longer useful, but I'm beginning to wonder if my sources of inspiration will ever turn into motivation to get off my butt and do the things I think I want to do. I don't know what stops me... I have all the best intentions, but they never really turn into action. The little things I do on a regular basis, and the small kindnesses in life are one thing, but so far, in my life there's nothing I've done on a grand scale where I know I've really helped someone...

At the moment I'm struck by how your position in life affects what you can do... I can't take a couple months off work to go to some country that could use my knowledge, skills and abilities to help their people, towns and societies... My car would be repossessed, my home would be foreclosed on, creditors would be hounding me and everyone else looking for me to pay my debts.... I've used this analogy in life before, but I really think a society based on the values of a Star Trek society would enable the world to be an amazing place... if I wanted to go help someone, the Federation would let me... I wouldn't have a house payment, a car payment or college loans, but I would have an obligation to the betterment of society.

Will we ever be out from under the umbrella of the commercial society that keeps our economy running? Will caring for people and communities ever be the number one priority of mankind? Is all this a bunch of optimistic drivel? Possibly, but I like to think that someday the world will have higher priorities, and there will be no dispute about religious beliefs, sexual orientation, territory or natural resources. I like to think, someday I won't be tied to my debts, and obligations and will be free to pursue the betterment of mankind... even in a small way.

So... what about you? What inspires you? What are you afraid of?

Wednesday, June 15, 2005


OK, so I'm starting a BLOG... I can remember a couple years ago, lauging at BLOGs... and wondering why anyone would waste their time on one. Then, there was a bug (don't look if you're scared of bugs) in my kitchen sink... and then there was another of the same bug in my bathtub... and I found out these two weren't the first in my house! I went on a Googlequest and found Katie's BLOG and read her post about the same bug! After reading her post, and almost peeing myself while laughing, I became slightly obsessed and read her entire 2 years worth of posts in a little over two weeks I think.

I don't know if I'll be a regular writer, but there are often things in my life that I dream up and have no outlet for... they just jingle around in my brain and turn curiouser and curiouser (I know, not a word).

We'll see... the adventure begins here.